


Dichotomy

by futuremrsgubler



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Comfort, Cunnilingus, Dirty Talk, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jealous Spencer Reid, Jealousy, Lingerie, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Miscommunication, Moaning, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Orgasm, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pining, Protective Spencer Reid, Reader-Insert, Sex, Shower Sex, Simultaneous Orgasm, Smut, Soft Spencer Reid, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29572647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuremrsgubler/pseuds/futuremrsgubler
Summary: "With him you were...different. Not necessarily in a bad way, just not quite yourself.""And what about you? What am I like when I'm with you?"When someone from Y/n's past joins the BAU, he doesn't hold back his feelings for another team member. What lengths are Spencer and Y/n willing to go to in order to protect her pride? And what will happen when they blur the lines between real and fake?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	1. Fire

6:30am

Your alarm rang loudly through your room and your hand was quick to hit the snooze button. Rolling under the comforter, your arm reached to stretch across the empty half of the bed next to you. You kept your eyes shut, hoping to get in a few more minutes of rest.

You sighed after the alarm went off for the third time, and finally brought yourself to get up.

After realizing you should have left already, you rushed through your morning routine. You brushed your teeth, washed your face, put on a small amount of makeup, and got dressed, settling for a black long-sleeved button up and a pair of pinstripe work pants. You hurried to throw on your small heels and grabbed your bag before heading out of your apartment.

It seemed like you had been running late to everything lately. Or since about two months ago, at least.

For your whole life, you always seemed to have everything together—you hated looking like a mess almost as much as you hated feeling like one. Working with a team of profilers didn't help this urge to be perfect, you hated the way they knew whenever something was wrong.

Everyone on the team, especially Emily and Penelope, were your best friends and practically your family. But still there were certain aspects of your life you liked to keep private, relationships being one of them. The two of them were the only ones that knew who you were dating, everyone else knew you had a boyfriend but that was about it. At first you were reluctant to tell Emily and Garcia details about him, though it ended up being nice to have them to talk to.

Two months ago however, your boyfriend of almost 3 years dumped you.

James Matthews was a guy you met in your junior year of college through one of your psychology classes. It turned out you were both criminal justice majors and had a lot of mutual friends. You got to know each other pretty well and became close, but parted ways after graduating.

After college, you moved to Washington DC to pursue an internship with the FBI.

Four years and a few jobs later, you were still living in DC. You hadn't thought about James, or most of your college friends for that matter, in years. Until one day when you were getting coffee before work, and a familiar voice called your name from behind you. When you turned around, James was standing a few feet away from you. You talked for a few minutes and exchanged numbers to catch up sometime soon as he had recently moved to the city.

You hit it off every time you hung out and started dating a few weeks later. About 3 months into your relationship, you got your job at the BAU. Everything was fine at first, but in the last few months of your relationship things went downhill fast.

_"You're never around anymore, y/n!" He paced at the foot of the bed, running a hand through his hair._

_"James, we knew when I got this job that it would be time consuming. I thought you of all people would understand that."_

_"It didn't used to be this bad. I worry about you, you're gone for days at a time and hardly have the time to send me 5 texts."_

_"You know I do my best! Things just get busy, I can't be there to talk about every minor inconvenience you encounter when I'm gone." You felt your cheeks flare up in anger and stood up from your spot on the edge of the bed._

_"What the hell are you even talking about? Every minor inconvenience? I just want to talk to my girlfriend every few days."_

_You sighed, putting your hand on your forehead. "What if it were you? What if you could have your dream job? I wouldn't expect you to throw it all away for me."_

_"I can't do this anymore." He stormed out of your shared bedroom and into the living room where he grabbed his keys._

_"You can't be serious, you're breaking up with me because I won't quit my job?"_

_He pulled his jacket over his shoulders and opened the front door, "It isn't throwing everything away if it's for someone you love." He took one final glance around the apartment that had been both of your homes for the past year and a half. "I'll come by in a few days to take my stuff."_

_"James!" The door slammed shut._

You thought often about what you said that day, and sometimes felt bad for it too. But that didn't change anything. As much as you loved James, he had developed a tendency to rely on you too much emotionally. All he talked about for the last 5 months of your relationship was his problems—he wasn't the same person you met in college or reconnected with in the coffee shop. The last time you saw him was two months ago, a week after the argument when he brought a moving truck over to take his belongings.

Despite having a less than perfect relationship, you missed him. You had forgotten how lonely it was living by yourself. There were a lot of days you thought about calling him and asking to see him, but every time you decided against it.

You didn't want him anymore, you knew he wasn't good for you. Regardless, you were still stuck in your post breakup mindset of wanting to hide in your bed all day. Penelope tried to drag you out for drinks a few times but you always denied, blaming it on a headache or being too tired. She and Emily knew you still weren't over him though.

Pulling into the office parking lot now, you got a text from Morgan.

DM: Hotch is asking where you are. He's waiting until you get here to introduce us to the new guy.

Shit.

Your mind had been such a blur lately that you forgot there was someone new starting with the BAU. Ever since JJ left, things had been a little rough on everyone. Seaver had joined to fill her spot but she was still learning and the work was getting to be too much for all of you.

-

As the elevator doors opened to the floor of the BAU office, you pulled out your phone to see how late you were. While stepping out of the elevator you glanced at the clock on your phone and hurried your walk after realizing you were supposed to get there 15 minutes ago.

As you started walking you were still looking at your phone because you noticed a new message from Emily, but saw Morgan approaching you from the corner of your eye.

"Hey mama," he wrapped an arm around your shoulder. You eventually lifted your head and turned to him to smile. "Listen, Garcia and I think it would be good if you came with us tomorrow night to-"

"What. The. Fuck." You muttered when you finally lifted your eyes to look ahead as you and Derek walked through the clear glass doors.

When you interrupted him, he stopped talking about whatever plan him and Penelope had come up with to get you to go out. "Hm?" He stared at you, looking concerned.

Your stomach tingled and you felt like you might throw up. It couldn't be...

But in your gut you knew. You could only see the back of him but you recognized the clothes he wore, the way he stood with his hands in his pockets, the way his hair looked from the back.

You pulled away from Derek's arm and practically started speed walking towards the desk, your desk, which he leaned against. His laugh echoed through your ears which unexplainably turned your nerves into rage. Seaver and Rossi stood next to him, Spencer sat nearby at his desk seeming to be intrigued by the group's current conversation.

When you reached them, you stood frozen behind him for a few seconds. You had meant to yell, but when you spoke your voice was barely about a whisper. "James", you breathed.

He turned and his smile twisted into a smug look, "Nice to see you, Y/n."

Your jaw clenched and it felt like your face was on fire. The anger that momentarily fled was back and it took all your strength to not explode. You held eye contact with him, trying to come up with a response but your mind was blank.

Rossi's voice snapped you away from your trance, "Y/n, how do you know-"

Instead of waiting for him to finish, you turned your attention back to the man in front of you. "What the hell!" You didn't realize how loud you had been until a few people turned to stare at you. You took a deep breath and steadied your voice, "What do you think you're doing here?"

James raised an eyebrow, "What do you think?"

You shook your head, "No. No, you're not taking this from me too." You felt Rossi, Seaver, and Reid's eyes watching you intently, but you didn't care. You wouldn't let him do this to you.

Before you could yell at James again however, Hotch walked over to the group. "I see you've all met Agent Matthews."

"Agent?" Your eyes moved between the two of them. "You can't be serious, he can't actually be working here."

Lines formed in Hotch's forehead and his brow furrowed, "I'm sorry Y/n, am I missing something?"

"I-Hotch he can't be part of the BAU!"

You could sense Aaron was running out of patience. "Y/l/n, I need you to calm down. Agent Matthews is extremely qualified and I won't tolerate this behavior. It's disrespectful not only to him, but also to me and my decision. If there's something you'd like to talk about we can do it in my office, alone."

Everyone was still surrounding you, and you knew they were listening to every word. They all were gazing around the room or at the floor, except for James. He stared at you with that self-satisfied expression he had a few moments ago. You looked at him, then back to Hotch. "That won't be necessary, sir."

"Good. In that case, everyone in the round table room, we have a case."

You glanced up the stairs and saw Emily already sitting at the table, you wished you could go talk to her alone. Instead, you told Hotch you would just be one minute. You watched everyone head up the stairs, then turned away and started towards the hallway.

Right before opening the door to Penelope's office, you felt a tear fall down your cheek.


	2. Ice

_Pull yourself together Y/n_

You tried to compose yourself after leaving Garcia's office.

When you had entered, you told her what was going on. She hugged you and said she wish she would've known it was him but Hotch hadn't told anyone who the new guy was before that morning. You understood and hadn't expected her to know even if Hotch did tell her his name. You had only told her and Emily that his first name was James, never mentioning his last name to keep them from prying.

Before leaving, she helped you wipe your tears and made sure your mascara was cleaned up so that nobody could tell you were crying.

Now, you pushed open the door to the room the team was in. All eyes wandered to you but you kept your focus ahead of you at the screen. You scanned the table for an open seat and found only one. The empty chair rested in between Emily and James.

You sat quickly and then looked over to Hotch, "Sorry for taking a minute, left something in my car," you mumbled.

He responded with a nod then proceeded to catch you up with the case. As he continued briefing everyone on the rest of the details, you felt a chill crawl up your spine. Your eyes moved down to the folder your arm rested on top of on the table in front of you.

Only inches away laid James' arm. You pulled your hand onto your armrest and tried to casually roll the chair closer to Emily. You kept your eyes glued to the file in front of you.

James then rolled his chair slightly towards yours. "Don't act so happy to see me." He muttered.

You rolled your eyes but didn't say anything back.

When you looked up you saw Spencer watching you, he gave you an "I'm sorry you have to deal with him" look. He didn't know James was your ex, but even someone who wasn't a profiler would have been able to guess that you two had a history. You forced a small smile in return before zoning out again.

Your attention was brought back to Hotch when you heard him say, "Wheels up in 30."

-

Not wanting to be anywhere near James, you made sure to be one of the first ones on the jet. You sat down in a chair in the very back and over the next 10 minutes the rest of the team filed in. Emily sat next to you, Derek and Spencer sitting across from the two of you.

You were relieved to see James enter and take the seat that was practically the farthest from you. Despite being far, your chair gave a perfect view of his. You ignored the conversations around you and every few minutes you found yourself looking over Morgan's shoulder to watch what he was doing.

After about your third glance, Derek finally questioned you. He tilted his head to block your view of James, "Listen Y/n, I don't wanna overstep but you're acting weird and it clearly has to do with Matthews over there. Wanna tell us what's going on?"

You had to stop yourself from blushing and toyed with the rubber band on your wrist. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Derek raised his eyebrows.

You noticed Reid stiffen beside him, his eyes glued to a folder in his hands. Not looking away from the paper in front of him, he interjected. "She obviously doesn't want to talk about it Morgan, just drop it."

His reaction was slightly surprising, it wasn't like Spencer to snap like that.

Derek smiled, "Woah woah, do you have something to hide too, pretty boy?" He turned to you again, "You know you don't have to tell us anything, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

You nodded then smiled a little, "I know." You had no desire to tell them about your history with James, but you also knew it would be hard to hide it for long. You lowered your voice, "James is the guy who I've been dating for a few years. We broke up a few months ago."

"Y/n I'm sorry, you know if you tell Hotch he'll do something about it, right?"

You lowered your eyes, "I can't do that, it wouldn't feel right. I'll be fine."

Looking up, you saw the expressions on both of their faces and could tell they felt sorry for you, which was exactly what you hadn't wanted. Luckily, your attention was brought elsewhere when you heard Seaver's loud laugh.

You looked up to see her playing with a piece of her hair, sitting next to James while both of them laughed.

-

A few hours later, you entered the Crawford County police department in Ohio. Hotch introduced everyone to the detective working the current case and the local officers. He then sent Seaver and Rossi to go to the latest dumpsite and Morgan and Emily to interview one of the victim's family.

After about an hour of reviewing case details with the detective, you sat down in the empty conference room where Reid had previously been working on a geoprofile. You sorted through folders of information relating to the case that sat on the table. Just as you began to read one, you heard the door open then shut.

James' voice startled you, "Y/n, can we talk?"

"No." You immediately stood up to leave the room.

"Where are you going? You just sat down a few minutes ago."

"I'm getting coffee."

"No you're not, you're avoiding me."

You stopped when you got to the door and turned to face him. "Yeah, maybe I am. So what?"

"Listen, just calm down. I know I was being a dick earlier and I'm sorry, okay?" He took a step closer to you. "We work together now, we're gonna have to learn to get along again eventually. The sooner we start trying, the easier things will be."

"Don't tell me to calm down. And yeah, what the hell is that about anyway? Why would you apply for a job at the BAU when you knew that's where I work?"

"Huh, you really haven't changed," you could hear the irritation growing in his voice, the same way it used to when you argued in the past. "Maybe you've forgotten, but this was the job I wanted too Y/n. You're not the only one who had goals."

You ignored what he said and tapped your foot against the floor. "I'll try to get along with you if you stop being such an asshole."

"I already said I was sorry for that."

"Okay, great then." You rolled your eyes when you left the room and made your way over to the coffee pot where Spencer was standing.

He took a sip from his cup and raised his eyebrows. "Everything alright over there?" He motioned his head towards the room where James now sat.

You grabbed the pot and began to pour coffee into your cup, "About as fine as they'll be for a while, I think."

"Hey uh, I know I'm not Emily or Garcia, but you can always talk to me if you want. Especially if he's bothering you on a case or something." He rested one arm against the counter and fidgeted with his cup.

You smiled and put your hand on his arm, "Thanks Spence." He smirked then nodded.

You thought about how you and Spencer had always gotten along well, but realized you didn't spend much time together outside of work anymore. You were still close and saw him when the entire team was together, but it was rare you did something with only him like you used to.

When you joined the BAU, you two figured out you had a lot of similar interests, which made it easy to spend a lot of time together. You thought back and tried to figure out when you stopped hanging out with him regularly. If you asked him, you knew he would tell you the exact date and reason, but you didn't want to bother him about it.

Just then, Emily and Derek returned. "We got some news on victim number two's past," Emily said in your direction and motioned for you and Reid to follow them into the conference room.


	3. Externally

The case in Ohio was relatively fast, after 3 days you and the team were already back on the jet.

Over those few days you tried to keep your interactions with James to a minimum. Part of you was still angry for how he left, why he left, and it felt like you never got closure. Still, you knew at the police department what he said was true—working for the FBI had been one of his goals too, not just yours.

You had every right to be mad at him for leaving abruptly and not hearing you out, but you couldn't be mad at him for wanting to be successful.

During the case, you had also noticed Spencer and Emily paying extra close attention to you. He had no reason to be that worried, but you could tell he was concerned ever since the day you landed in Ohio. As for Emily, she knew all the details of your breakup with James so it was understandable that she thought you might snap.

You stayed calm though, knowing that bringing up the past wouldn't get you anywhere. While keeping your distance from James, you couldn't help but notice he was spending a lot of time with Ashley. It made you wonder if they had met before and you hated the sting of jealousy you felt when you saw them together.

After the jet landed, everyone headed back to the office to finish up final reports on the case. Around 6pm, everyone began to pack up for the day.

Just before Rossi left, he said to everyone, "See you all later," and made sure to glance at you.

You were confused at first, until you remembered the team went out for drinks every Friday. It had been so long since you went that you had almost forgotten about it. Usually everyone couldn't make it, so it had become easy for you over the past few months to avoid going. Apparently they had noticed more than you thought.

"Sorry Rossi, I'm not gonna be able to go tonight."

"And why not?"

"It's just been a long week, you know."

"Hm...well I think a certain tech analyst is going to be very upset if she hears you're not going again."

"Trust me, it'll be more fun without me." You grabbed your jacket and bag and headed to the elevator. "I'll tell her I'm sorry that I have to miss it", you said over your shoulder before reaching the doors.

-

At 7:30pm, when you just finished cleaning up your dinner you decided to run a bath. While the tub filled up, you poured yourself a glass of wine and grabbed one of your favorite books, "The Secret History".

To keep your hair dry, you put it up in a ponytail before getting in, then took a sip from your glass. You closed your eyes for a few minutes, just sitting there and enjoying the silence, glad you wouldn't have to see James' face for two days. Eventually, you opened them and grabbed your book to start reading.

When the glass you held was empty, you stood up and drained the bath. Wrapping a towel around yourself, you left the bathroom. Right as you entered your bedroom to get dressed, you heard a knock on your front door.

Considering you weren't expecting anyone, the knock startled you. You went out to your living room and looked through the peephole to see Emily and Penelope all dressed up, standing in the hallway of your apartment.

You tossed your head back in irritation and waited there in silence for a moment, hoping if you didn't say anything they might leave.

Emily's voice went through the door, "Come on Y/n, we know you're in there."

You finally opened the door, "What are you guys doing here?" you asked, but already knew the answer.

They both walked in and Emily closed the door, Garcia pulling your arm to bring you into your bedroom. She opened the door to your closet, "We're not letting you pass up going out anymore!"

"I'm not coming with you," you protested, "if I didn't want to go out after being broken up with before, why would I want to go out and have to see the guy who broke up with me?"

"But you never come out with us anymore, not even for our girls nights! You can't pass on everything we do just to avoid James."

You walked over to your bed, adjusting your towel as you sat. "Yes I can."

Neither of them responded, but Emily walked over to the closet too now. Both of them shuffled through your clothes, obviously not listening to your attempts to say no. "What about this one?" Emily asked, holding up a short black dress you hadn't even worn yet.

"Ooh, it's perfect. Just try it on at least, Y/n." Penelope came over and sat it on the bed next to you.

You had been wanting somewhere to wear it.

"Okay, but that doesn't mean I'm going." You went over to your dresser to grab a bra and pair of underwear before putting them both on, then the dress. You walked over to your floor length mirror where they both joined you.

Penelope clapped her hands together. "You look amazing, you have to come with us!"

Emily brushed your hair over your shoulder and adjusted your straps. "And imagine his face when he sees you in this."

You looked at your feet and played with your bracelet, "I don't know..."

"Listen, you can't let him control you like this for the rest of your life. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone new tonight," Emily tried to persuade you while Garcia grabbed you a pair of heels.

You smiled and shook your head at them, "Fine. But I'm gonna be a few minutes, I still have to do my makeup."

-

In the uber ride over to the club you hardly said a word. As soon as the car pulled up to the curb you regretted your decision to come.

When walking up to the doors, it was as if Emily read your mind. "Hey, it'll be fine, okay? You won't even notice he's here."

You took a deep breath and nodded.

It didn't take you long to find the team, everyone else was already there sitting in a booth. You took a seat on the outside, next to Emily. After sitting, you couldn't help but notice Ashley and James sitting next to each other on the other side of the table.

Eager to get rid of your nerves, you gladly took Emily on her offer when she asked if you wanted a drink. Since she got up, you were now sitting next to Spencer. You listened to his conversation with Rossi and Penelope, but didn't say much.

Startled, you practically jumped when he tapped you on the shoulder a few minutes later.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

You smiled at him, "No, no it's fine. I'm just a little out of it I guess."

He scrunched his eyebrows and nodded. You realized he had almost completely turned his body to be facing you. Spencer started to say something but you couldn't make out what it was over the loud music.

"Hm? I can't hear you over the music," you turned your head so that your ear was closer to him.

"I was just asking if you're alright," he leaned over so that his lips were only an inch or two from your ear, "you seem a little off."

You turned to look at him and realized your faces were surprisingly close to each other. Immediately, you pulled back a little. "Sorry, uh, no I'm fine. Still adjusting, you know?" You motioned to across the table with your eyes.

Before he could respond, Emily slid back into the booth next to you and handed you a martini. You were just about to thank her when she also pushed a shot of vodka down to you. You thanked her then drank it quickly before starting to sip your drink.

As the night went on, and you kept drinking, your conversations became more lighthearted. You talked to almost everyone, every few minutes you or Reid would make a comment specifically to each other. You had virtually tuned out the side of the table across from you for most of the night.

That was, until you saw James and Ashley stand up and walk over to the dance floor.

You gulped, suddenly thinking you might throw up. But nothing happened. Instead, you sat there and watched. You watched them, the way their bodies touched and how they laughed together.

"Y/n, come dance with us!" Garcia called to you over the loud noises of the club and she stood up next to Derek then grabbed Emily's hand.

You shook your head back and forth, "No, uh, I'm really not feeling the best. I think I might go home."

"Aw, noo, it's still so early!"

You glanced at the clock and saw it read 12:46am. "I really think I should go before I get sick, I'll call an uber or something. Don't worry about me though, go have fun!"

Through slurred words, Emily responded, "It's late and you're drunk. At least wait until one of us can come with you."

Suddenly, Spencer intervened, "I can drive you home, I haven't been drinking."

You turned to him, "Spence it's okay, you don't have to do that for me."

"It's okay I was going to leave soon anyways," he smiled at you. "I'll make sure she gets home safely," he directed that part more to Emily. With that, she nodded and turned to go dance.

You said goodbye to Hotch and Rossi, the only other people still sitting. You went to stand up and had to grab onto the side of the table for balance. Maybe you had drank a little more than you remembered.

Spencer slid out of the booth after you and watched you trying to stand up, "Need some help?"

"I'm good." You started to walk away and slightly tripped over your own feet, almost falling over but Spencer caught you.

"Here," he reached his arm around you and under your armpit, "just let me help you."

"Thanks," you mumbled.

He helped you walk all the way out to the parking lot until you got to his car. After he helped you into the passenger seat, he leaned over and put your seatbelt on for you.

The car ride was pretty quiet since you were partially falling asleep. You opened your eyes when you felt Spencer gently shake your arm, "Hey, we're here. I'll help you up to your place, okay?"

You rubbed your eyes and nodded.

When you got to your door you handed him your purse where he grabbed your keys then unlocked your door. He shut the door behind you while you stumbled over to the couch. You grabbed a blanket off the back of it and wrapped it around you before curling up in the corner.

Spencer stood awkwardly at the end of the couch with his hands in his pockets. "Is there anything you need before I go?"

You shook your head, "No, I'm good. Thanks for taking me home, it means a lot." He smiled before turning to leave but before he could you called after him again. "Spence?"

"Hm?"

"Why did we stop hanging out? When we first met we did things together all the time." Part of you hated your drunk self for asking that, but another part of you really wanted to know the answer.

He paused before answering, "Uh, it actually sorta had to do with James, remember?"

Your memory was too fuzzy at the moment to remember anything past 5 minutes ago. "No, not really."

"Well I guess I didn't know it was James specifically at the time cause you never told me his name. You just could never do stuff anymore because you said your boyfriend wanted you to spend more time with him." He looked at you before continuing, "And you said he didn't like it when you spent time with other guys."

"Oh." You were trying to think back to that, but your blinks kept getting longer and you were close to drifting off.

"I can tell you're tired so I'm gonna go, but I'll see you on Monday. Goodnight Y/n."

"Goodnight Spencer," your eyes were already shutting.

"Don't forget to come lock the door before you fall asleep."

Forcing your eyes open, you pulled yourself off the couch and over to the front door to lock it after it shut. As soon as you laid back down again you fell asleep in a matter of minutes.


	4. Internally

You woke up on Saturday morning with a pounding headache. Rubbing your eyes, you tried to piece together the events of the previous night.

It had been a long time since you had gotten that drunk.

Before getting up, you grabbed your phone to see a text from Emily, asking if you got home alright. You quickly responded and contemplated asking her what happened last night, but decided against it.

You were aimlessly scrolling through instagram when you came across a picture Seaver had posted. A picture of her and James, at the club.

Seeing them together made a lot of last night come flashing back to you. You rolled your eyes and internally groaned.

It wasn't that you didn't like Ashley, you two were always nice to each other. She was a good enough person and a decent profiler, but she never quite clicked with the team.

The way her and James immediately hit it off ignited something in you though. You weren't sure if it was jealousy because, honestly, James was an asshole and you wouldn't want to be with him again. Maybe it was just a lack of closure.

You kew you couldn't be mad at her for being friends with him though—you hadn't even told her he was your ex. So unless he told her, she had no way of knowing how irritating she was being.

You shrugged the thought away before putting down your phone and heading to the bathroom.

You turned on the shower and turned the water to cooler than usual. You pulled off the tight dress you had fallen asleep in, along with the rest of your clothes and then stepped in. You shivered slightly at initial contact with the water, but after a minute leaned your head back under it.

As you washed your hair, you tried to put together the fragments of memories you had from last night. You knew James and Ashley got up to dance together, but what had happened next?

Penelope and Emily. They had asked you something, was it if you wanted another drink? No, you thought to yourself. Dancing, they wanted you to dance with them but you declined.

You recalled feeling sick and needing to go, but how did you get home? You vividly remembered seeing Rossi and Hotch still sitting when you left, so it couldn't have been them.

Spencer drove you home. Once you realized, you also vaguely remembered him helping you into your apartment. He stayed a minute and you talked about something you couldn't remember. Or maybe you didn't talk, maybe you just thought it felt long because of how wasted you were.

Knowing that was as many details as you would remember, you felt relieved that you didn't do anything you regretted. As you turned off the water and grabbed a towel, you decided you wouldn't be drinking that much for a long time.

-

The rest of the weekend quickly passed, and on Monday morning you were headed to the office again.

When you got there, Derek told you there wasn't a new case yet so you went to your desk. When you sat down, Spencer gave you a small wave from his desk across the walkway. You smiled back, thinking about how you still had to thank him for taking you home on Friday, before turning on your computer.

After about an hour of everyone typing up reports and reviewing files, Spencer came over to you and sat down on the edge of your desk.

You smiled as he sat down, "Hey."

He returned your smile, "Hi, uh, about this weekend...you could hardly walk when we left the club and you seemed kinda upset, I just wanted to make sure everything was alright after I left."

You nodded, "Yeah, sorry I didn't say anything earlier, I was planning on thanking you as soon as I could. I don't know what happened, I usually don't drink that much." You paused. "I hope I wasn't too annoying, I haven't really been able to remember much."

He laughed a little, "Don't worry, you could never annoy me."

You felt your cheeks flush and you tried to laugh it off. "Still, I feel bad that I made you leave early."

You didn't know why you felt so awkward all of a sudden. Maybe you just weren't used to people being as nice as Spencer was to you.

"Really Y/n, don't worry about it. I never stay late at those things anyway."

"Well maybe I can make it up to you sometime. We could hang out how we used to, like go to a museum or even just play scrabble?"

He tried to contain his smile, "I would like that. You know actually, on Friday we-"

He was cut off by Hotch calling down to everyone. "I need everyone up here in a minute, we need to review a case from last month."

You turned your chair to see if Emily or Derek knew what he was talking about, but instead you saw James and Ashley walking away from the break room together. He locked eyes with you and made a point to put his arm around her shoulder.

When you turned around again, Spencer hopped off your desk and stood behind your chair. He put his hands on your desk on either side of you and leaned down so his face was above your shoulder.

"Spencer what are you-"

He turned his head and practically whispered into your ear, "Just trust me, you want to make him jealous, right?"

You thought for a second, wondering what Spencer had in mind. Hesitantly, you nodded.

He pulled his face away a little bit, "Look at me and laugh a little bit, okay?"

You turned and your eyes met his, he started to smile and you giggled as naturally as possible. You felt stupid, but if it bothered James it was worth it. Spencer's right hand left your desk and gently brushed your arm, lingering more than it usually would have.

He then pulled your chair out for you. You gave him a look and laughed, shaking your head.

In response he laughed too and you both started walking up the stairs to the round table room.

"I hope that wasn't uncomfortable for you. I just...I see the way James acts in front of you and how he tries to make you jealous. He's a dick."

"No, it was good...or um I mean..." You panicked, that didn't sound the way you had wanted it too. You looked up at him, "Thanks."

He nodded then opened the door for you.

-

You didn't look at James a single time when sitting in the room, listening to Hotch talk. After some details of a previous case were worked out, everyone was allowed to go back to their usual work. Instead of directly returning to your desk though, you went over to the break room to get a cup of coffee.

Now, you stood in front of the coffee pot, watching it brew.

The sound of the door opening pulled your attention across the room.

"So, what's up with the skinny guy? What does Morgan call him, beautiful boy or something like that?"

You rolled your eyes at James. "Pretty boy. But don't call him that, it's weird when you do it. Maybe try learning his actual name, which is Spencer."

James stepped closer and you almost flinched as he reached above your head to open a cabinet and grab a mug, without saying excuse me. You continued, "What do you mean what's up with him?"

"Like what's going on between you two?"

You had to hold back a laugh. All it took for James to come crawling back to you was Spencer leaning over your shoulder and you giggling? Pouring coffee into your cup you responded smugly, "That's none of your business."

"Why are you so secretive? We should be able to have a conver-"

You cut him off. "While we're on the subject, what about you and Seaver? You two seem to be getting along well."

He smirked. "Well actually, Ashley and I have known each other for a while."

"A while like longer than two months?"

"Mhm." He began to pour his own coffee.

"If you knew her when we were dating why didn't you tell me? You knew I worked with her."

He just stared at you and took a sip from his cup, that self-satisfied smirk still on his face.

Your brows furrowed, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Still nothing.

"James!" Then, it hit you. At first you denied it to yourself because you didn't want it to be true, but you finally understood what he found so amusing. "No. You didn't."

He laughed, "Wow, I thought you would never figure it out. Maybe you're not such a great profiler after all."

"You cheated on me with Seaver? Did she know we were dating?"

"She knew I had a girlfriend and she didn't care. She still doesn't know it was you though."

"You're an asshole. You tried to make me feel guilty about being gone for work when every single time I turned around you were fucking someone else?"

"Hey, hey," he reached out to grab your arm but you pulled it away, "don't be so dramatic. We broke up anyways, so why does it even matter?"

"Fuck you." You grabbed your drink and left the break room. As much as you wanted to cry, you refused to do it in front of him.

-

You walked back to your desk under a cloud of mixed emotions—you didn't know what to feel or how to react. You tried to keep it inside but before you could even sit down, Spencer was standing next to you.

"Is everything okay?"

"Fine, I just," you glanced around the room, "I can't really talk about it right now."

His eyes studied you, but after a minute he nodded. Spencer lowered his voice, "Do you want to come over to my place tonight? I know earlier you were talking about hanging out more, and you could talk about whatever's bothering you if you'd like."

You tried to smile, "Yeah, that would be nice."

Before he could walk away you grabbed the cuff of his sleeve, "Spence?"

"Hm?"

Without thinking, you pulled him in for a hug. "Thanks."


	5. Out with the Old

Standing in your bedroom, you grabbed a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt out of your dresser. You contemplated wearing something a little less casual, but thinking back to how you used to hang out with Spencer, you decided against it. You remembered how often he would come over to your apartment and you both would watch movies or play a board game and order dinner in your pajamas. The two of you were always comfortable with each other—there was no pressure to try and look nice.

You quickly changed out of your work clothes, then grabbed your phone to check the time. It was currently 7:15pm and before leaving work, you and Spencer had decided you would go over to his place around 7:30.

-

When you knocked on his apartment door, you were greeted by Spencer, wearing dark green plaid pajama pants and black pullover.

He stepped to the side for you to come in and you looked around the room. You noticed the rearranged stacks of books and his desk in a different corner than it used to be. It had been a long time since you had been to his place.

"I hope you don't mind, but I ordered food for us from that Chinese place down the street that we used to go to. You still like it, right?"

Your mouth watered at the thought of it, it had been months since you ate there. "Mhm, that sounds great. I can't even remember the last time I had Chinese food."

Spencer led you over to the couch and you sat down. He then slid a few books and coasters to the edge of the coffee table, making room for the food. "What? I thought it was your favorite?"

You kicked off your shoes so that you could pull your feet up on the couch and sit with your legs criss crossed. "Oh uh...James didn't like it, so we never really ordered it."

He hummed in understandment and you hoped he wouldn't push. You didn't want to talk about James...yet, at least. Luckily, you were saved by a knock on the door.

Spencer went over to answer it and you listened to him talk to the delivery boy. You grabbed your purse and rummaged through it, looking for cash. When the door shut and he sat next to you, placing the take out boxes on the coffee table, he shook his head at you.

"Hm?" You had found a ten dollar bill, but continued your search through your bag.

"You don't have to give me any money for this."

"Oh, it's okay, I want to." He gave you a look that told you he wouldn't change his mind. "At least take this, please?" You extended your hand holding the ten.

But he continued to shake his head. "How about we do it like we used to? Whoever's place we're at pays, okay?" He passed you a plastic fork and napkin then joked, "If it bothers you that much you'll just have to invite me over soon to return the favor."

You talked for a few more minutes before grabbing one of the containers and opening it up. Spencer picked up the remote and scrolled through a list of movies before putting on Oceans 11. You gave him a look, but he pretended not to notice, so you didn't comment and continued eating.

About 30 minutes into the movie, most of the food was gone and you were too full to eat another bite. Ordering more than both of you combined could eat always was Spencer's specialty, though you were guilty of it too.

You had been talking occasionally through the movie but hadn't addressed, what seemed to you, like the elephant in the room. Unable to keep your mouth shut any longer, you turned to look at him and just stared until he met your gaze.

"What is it?"

"You hate this movie, Spence."

He thought for a second. "You like it though, I know it's one of your favorites." He readjusted his legs, "Besides, I never said I hate it. There are just a lot of inaccuracies and unrealistic plot lines that sometimes make it difficult to enjoy."

"I don't want you to be bored, I'm sure there are plenty of movies we could watch that both of us would like."

Spencer smiled at you, "Y/n, since we're friends I hope you don't mind me saying this, but sometimes you're too much of a people pleaser."

Your mouth dropped a little bit. As much as you wanted to deny it, you knew he was right. It was just easier for you to avoid conflict than making a big deal out of things you wanted. "Pretty sure that goes against our no profiling each other policy," you teased. "But while we're on the topic, don't you think you're a bit of a people pleaser yourself?"

"Well, technically I wasn't profiling you. I simply stated an observation I've made based on how you interact with me and other people you're close with." You rolled your eyes. "And if it matters that much to you that I'm happy with what we're watching, I really am. If not only to make you happy, also because of the mere-exposure effect which states that the more you're exposed to something, the more likely you are to enjoy it."

Your only response before returning to watching the movie was a sigh and ruffling a hand through his hair. It was still relatively early, but you were already starting to get tired. A few minutes passed and you slid closer to him so that your head could rest on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm behind you and you relaxed against him.

Things like this were never weird with him. Neither of you were big on physical affection, but when it came to each other there was something particularly comforting about it. You didn't have to say anything and neither did he—part of you was always surprised by how effortlessly you brought one another a sense of safety, a feeling of home. You both knew it was platonic, yet you always kept your hands to yourselves in front of the team and in public. It was only like this when you were alone.

When the movie ended, Spencer clicked a few buttons on the remote to flick the screen back to regular tv. He left it on a channel showing reruns of I Love Lucy and turned down the volume.

"Are you ready to talk about it now?"

You peeled your body off of his, sitting up straight but still close to him. You grabbed the cuff of one of your sweatshirt sleeves and started playing with it apprehensively, "I don't know."

"You can tell me anything, but if you'd rather not talk about it that's okay too. I just want you to know there are a lot of people who care about you."

"I know Spence, thank you. I do want to talk about it, it's just...embarrassing."

"What part?"

"I'm not sure, all of it maybe. The way I let him treat me, how long I stayed unhappy, the fact that I still think about this idealized version of him I have in my head." He watched you and waited for you to say more. "He um," you cleared your throat, "he cheated on me with Seaver, apparently."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Y/n, I...you deserve so much better than him." He put his hand on top of yours. "You know you could still talk to Hotch, right? Or I could talk to him for you, if we tell him what's going on I know he would understand and find someone else to replace James."

You shook your head. "I can't...when we started dating we talked about working for the FBI and how it was a goal for both of us. As bad as he's been to me, I wouldn't feel right taking this away from him."

"I really hate him. He thinks he can treat you however he wants, invade all areas of your life and expect you to be okay with it."

Leaning against him again, you sighed, wishing you could wholeheartedly say you hated him too.

"We don't have to talk about this anymore, I'll always be here though if you do."

You found solace in hearing him say that, and slowly allowed your blinking to slow, drifting off to the hum of the tv and rhythm of his breathing.

-

You woke up to the ringing of his alarm, laying on Spencer's lap while his head tilted back against the backrest of his couch. You noticed the hand of his that rested on the side of your stomach. Knowing he would soon open his eyes in response to the alarm, you pulled away and stood up to go to the bathroom.

When you came back out, you saw him standing in the kitchen, putting something in the toaster.

Suddenly, you felt the slightest bit embarrassed. Before he got the chance to offer you anything to eat, you started talking. "Spence, I'm sorry, I can't believe I fell asleep on your couch...like on top of you, I-"

He laughed a little, "It's completely fine Y/n, if I wanted you to leave I would have woken you up. You seemed comfortable and I really didn't mind."

You smiled at him. "I don't think I have time to go all the way home, get ready, and be on time to work but my go bag is in my car. I'm just gonna grab that and change in your bathroom if it's fine."

-

After getting dressed and eating a bagel Spencer insisted on you having, he also offered to drive you to work. He was borderline smothering you, really he was just being a good friend, but you weren't used to it. You didn't decline the ride though, it made no sense for both of you to drive from his apartment to the same place separately.

You were thankful that you weren't late for work, though after experiencing Spencer's driving you knew that next time you would be the one giving him a ride.

The two of you stepped out of the elevator together and talked along the way to your desks. When you sat, you felt a particularly unpleasant set of eyes on you. You turned to see James leaning back in his chair, doing nothing but watching you. You brought your focus back to your computer screen and started your work for the day. As everyone else arrived, the usual office chatter ensued.

After about an hour though, James and Ashley went into Hotch's office. When they exited they were holding hands. You wouldn't have even noticed had the door not made such a loud noise when James flung it open. Rolling your eyes at his usual obnoxious behavior, you tried to once again bring your attention back to your work.

You thought you had been doing a pretty good job at ignoring him, that is, until they walked back down into the bullpen. He and Seaver stopped in the walkway between desks, directly in front of you and started talking. Just as you pulled your eyes off your screen, ready to ask them to kindly shut up, he kissed her on the lips.

Your eyes almost popped out of your head and you didn't know how to react. Thankfully, Derek somewhat saved the day. "Woah woah, when did this happen?" He looked at you, Emily, and Reid. "Matthews, you've been working here for all of two hours and you're already involved in an office relationship?"

James pulled away from her face and seemed unimpressed with Derek's comment. "I've been working here for almost a week. But that doesn't matter because Ashley and I have known each other for a while." He put his hand very low on her back and made eye contact with you.

Meanwhile Seaver was standing next to him, smiling as if she didn't know she was a homewrecker. It made you sick to think she didn't know it was you that James had been dating when she started seeing him. Any feelings of decency you had for her had vanished.

Derek threw his hands up in surrender, "Alright, no need to be so defensive, I was just messing with you man."

"Hmph," he scoffed. When he and Seaver started walking to their desks, Derek raised his eyebrows and held in a laugh.

Searching for anything to focus on other than what just happened, your eyes found Spencer's. He was giving you a sympathetic look and you tried to smile at him. You knew he was trying to help, but his pity only made you feel worse.

Later in the day, you walked over to the printer to grab a form. Seconds after you got there, James did too. It really seemed like the only thing he could do correctly was follow you around.

His condescending voice was all that it took to put you on edge, "Everything alright, you seemed a little shaken up earlier?"

"Mhm, I'm doing just fine." You appeared to be deeply invested in reading the sheets of paper as they came out of the printer.

"Really? You're sure you weren't upset about seeing me and Ashley together, because-"

"James, I know this might come as a shock to you, but I really do not give a fuck about what you choose to do with your personal life."

Not giving him a chance to respond, Spencer walked up to the other side of you. He completely ignored James' presence and instead spoke directly to you. He pretended to try and make his voice quieter than usual, but purposefully kept it loud enough for James to hear. Spencer's hand brushed your arm to get your attention, "Hey, uh, you left my sweatshirt at my place the other night. Since I gave you a ride here maybe you can grab it and hang out a little after work?"

You clearly remembered putting your sweatshirt in your bag this morning. You grabbed the last piece of paper you were waiting for and smiled after realizing what he was doing."Oh yeah that'd be great. Speaking of that, thanks for the other night by the way," you playfully touched his shoulder. You started to walk back to your desk, Reid following. As soon as James was out of earshot you whispered, "Thanks for saving me from him. Again."

"Anytime."


End file.
